It was Valentine’s Day 1973 and I had a problem. What to get my girlfriend? This was our first V-Day together, so I certainly needed to come up with a nice gift.
The second part of the problem involved finances. Since I was in college, I was living like so many other students do – in poverty. I spent summers working long hours at a steel mill and saving every dime. If I was frugal, the money might last until I got my refund check in March. So February was always iffy for me.
Still, I had been dating Carol about six months, and I had to come up with something good. A syrupy card just wasn’t gonna do. And roses were out of the question. The florists had already jacked the price so high that I would need a student loan to cover the purchase.
On Feb. 13, I walked the aisles of the discount store with the other procrastinating men, each one of us praying for divine inspiration to pop off a shelf. I gave up, and crossed through the pet supply section on my way to the toy department where I would buy a teddy bear. Ho-hum.
Then I saw the solution to my dilemma between the dog chews and the kitty litter. It was personal, novel, and it would remind her of me whenever she looked at it. A goldfish! In a matter of minutes, I bought a fish, a bowl, and a container of food. With a bit of quick prep I had what was going to be a great Valentine’s Day present.
The next day, I gave the gift to Carol. She loved it!
“You don’t know this, but my favorite character in my favorite movie is Cleo, the fish in “Pinocchio”! she gushed. “I’m going to name it Cleo.”
She gave me a hug and a quick kiss and said, “I’m going to take it up to my dorm room.” Then she gave me a wink, and continued. “Pick me up in an hour, and I’ll give you your gift.”
I gloated as I drove back to my apartment. Yes, indeed. This was going to be a very good Valentine’s Day for the kid.
I spend the next hour grooming myself, even adding an extra splash of Jade East cologne. We would probably go to Taco Bell. After all, it was 19-cent burrito night. Then I would get my wink, wink… present!
I did a quick clean-up of my Camaro, which meant discarding all of the old Taco Bell wrappers. Next, I was off to get Carol, smirking all the way to the dorm. Pinocchio…what a stroke of luck this was.
However, when Carol got in my car, I got a Valentine’s Day surprise that was nothing like I’d hoped for. She burst into tears.
“You’re not gonna believe what happened,” she bawled. “I had taken Cleo and put him in the window. Then I called everybody in to see the sweet gift you gave me. There were about 10 people in my room. And Cleo flipped up and floated to the top of the bowl. At first I thought he was doing a trick. But he never moved. Cleo’s dead!”
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” I said in a sympathetic tone, all the while, thinking, “That stupid goldfish has ruined everything!”
“What did you do with him?” I asked.
“Well, we had a little memorial service and then I flushed him down the toilet.”
More bad news. There went my chance for a 79¢ refund on a dead goldfish. That would’ve bought four 19¢ burritos.
The mood was somber at Taco Bell. I couldn’t do anything cheer her up. Finally, I gave up, and took her back to the dorm.
“Happy Valentines Day,” she said. Then she kissed me on the cheek and pulled out my gift from her purse. It was a syrupy card.
Guys, take my advice. If you’re ever in Walmart to try to find a last-minute Valentine’s Day gift, keep walking past the pet department and just go to the toys.
You can’t kill a teddy bear.
Joe Hobby is a standup comedian, a syndicated columnist, and a long-time writer for Jay Leno. He’s a member of Cullman Electric Cooperative and is very happy now that he can use Sprout from his little place on Smith Lake. Contact him at [email protected].
