I have done a lot of embarrassing things in my life. I’ve walked into a sliding glass door because I didn’t see it. Once, I fell off a bridge into a creek because I wasn’t looking where I was going. I’ve even run over a street sign because I didn’t pay attention. But what I’m about to tell you wasn’t my fault. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
A few years ago, our church had a picnic at a beautiful summer camp. There were big pavilions with tables where little ladies put out their wonderful, cholesterol-raising casseroles. There were lush fields, a fishing lake, and most important to me, a swimming pool with a diving board.
The kid inside me was attracted to it like a weatherman to a tornado. The board was a springy one that provided prodigious heights when people tried cannon balls or flips. I happily discovered that flying in the air before I hit the water was as much fun in my thirties as it was in my teens.
“Why not take it to the next level?,” I thought. “Why not see if thirtysomething Joe can do a dive that teenage Joe could do?” I was thinking of the One And A Half – flipping forward one and a half times with a smooth headfirst entry into the water. I have no idea why I believed I could perform a dive I hadn’t tried in years. Forget common sense. Ego ruled.
I began by making several basic dives to test the board. It was working perfectly. I’m sure most people thought I looked like Shamu at Sea World. But in my mind, I was almost good enough for the summer Olympics. Luckily, my wife had our video camera. I was so sure I could pull this off that I wanted it recorded for my grandchildren to see.
It was time. Focusing intently, I ran down the diving board, sprang high, tucked in a tight ball, and begin to rotate.
In a second it was over. I definitely went in the water head first, which, in my mind, meant complete success. Naturally, I expected applause and cheers. However, when I surfaced, all I heard was silence, except for about a dozen people who were laughing uncontrollably. One of them was my wife, video camera in hand.
I turned in the water and looked back at the people who were in line behind me. They were staring blankly where the diving board used to be. One kid pointed at me and yelled, ”That guy broke it.” Then I watched in horror as the last of the board disappeared under the water like the Titanic.
I was stunned. Yes, I’d put on a few pounds since my high school days, but diving boards were made for people of all sizes. And there were all kinds of people jumping that day. Nevertheless, the facts don’t lie: When I began my dive, the board was attached, and after my dive, it was under ten feet of water.
The lifeguard immediately began salvage operations while I got out of the pool and shamefully walked toward my group. Every pair of eyes was fixed on me. And all of my so-called church friends greeted me with comments like, “That should be on ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos,’” or “man, you should check out Weight Watchers.” I thought they were quite un-Christian. But considering the circumstances, Jesus might’ve had a few zingers, too.
Of course, my wife forced me to watch the replay. Right after I hit the end of the board, it broke loose, slid in the water, and sank. It was bad enough to view, but hearing my wife and friends laughing on the video made it even more humiliating.
Later, the lifeguard told me the bolts holding the diving board to the platform were corroded and just broke off. Unfortunately, I happened to be the very large straw that broke the camel’s back. If there had only been one more person in front of me, he might’ve been the guy who was disgraced. But no, it was me.
I never went back and swam at that pool. Bad karma is bad karma. And as you may have guessed, my wife has already made sure that every one of our grandkids have seen it.
Joe Hobby is a standup comedian, a syndicated columnist, and a long-time writer for Jay Leno. He’s a member of Cullman Electric Cooperative and is very happy now that he can use Sprout from his little place on Smith Lake. Contact him at [email protected].
