I still remember when my son gingerly placed my first newborn granddaughter in my arms.
Well…he tried to.
Just as I reached out to hold her, a woman in a business suit with a clipboard stepped between me and the newest member of my family.
“Before you take possession of your grandchild, you’ll need to review and sign this.”
“Sign? What am I signing?” I asked. “This is a baby, not an extended warranty on a Buick.”
“The Grandparent Contract. Standard procedure. Makes things easier for everyone.”
She handed me a document containing more legal language than a rental car agreement. I began skimming the highlights.
Section 1: Rule Enforcement
The grandparent agrees to respect all rules established by the parents.
However, emergency grandparent powers shall be implemented as deemed necessary, including authorizing cookies before supper, extending bedtime, and determining that one more episode of “Bluey” will not permanently alter the grandchild’s development.
Section 2: Transportation
The grandparent agrees, with little notice, to transport the grandchild to ballet, soccer, karate, piano lessons, birthday parties, church camp, and any other activity the parents accidentally scheduled at the exact same time.
Section 3: Financial Obligations
The grandparent shall purchase at least one toy under $20 during every trip to a grocery store, discount store, or the like. Purchases over $20 are permitted provided the grandchild agrees not to mention them to the parents.
Section 4: Nutritional Requirements
The grandparent shall maintain an adequate supply of chicken nuggets, fries, ranch dressing, cookies, crackers and ice cream. While at grandma and grandpa’s house, these items shall be recognized as a balanced diet.
Section 5: Housekeeping
The grandparent agrees to require the grandchild to clean up before leaving. The grandparent also acknowledges that the cleanup will create an entirely new mess requiring additional cleanup after the grandchild departs.
Furthermore, the grandparent accepts all risks associated with stepping barefoot on Lego bricks or Barbie dolls in the dark.
Section 6: Television Obligations
The grandparent agrees to watch an unreasonable number of episodes of “Bluey,” “Paw Patrol,” or whatever cartoon currently has the grandchild’s attention.
Should the grandchild say, “Again,” the episode shall immediately restart regardless of the grandparent’s mental condition.
Section 7: Overnight Visits
During sleepovers, the grandparent shall honor all requests for one more story, one more drink, and one more trip to the bathroom. Sleeping grandchildren may occupy the grandparent’s bed regardless of objections from the spouse, the dog, or their chiropractor.
Section 8: Return-to-Parent Procedures
No less than one hour before returning the grandchild, the grandparent shall administer sufficient quantities of sugar to ensure maximum energy levels upon their arrival home. This tradition has been faithfully practiced by grandparents since the invention of candy.
At the bottom of the document was one final paragraph
that said:
“By signing below, you acknowledge that your house is about to become noisier, messier, busier, and considerably more expensive. You also acknowledge that your phone will contain no fewer than 357 pictures of the grandchild, that every refrigerator drawing will become museum quality, and your heart will grow several sizes.”
“In return, you will receive hugs that erase bad days, laughter that echoes long after everyone goes home, and the indescribable privilege of watching your own child become a wonderful parent.”
I looked up.
“Where do I sign?”
She smiled, handed me a pen, and pointed to the line.
A moment later they finally placed that little girl in my arms.
Turns out the contract was spot on.
As the woman walked away, she turned and smiled.
“I’ll see you again in about 13 years.”
“Why?”
“That’s when you sign the Teenage Addendum.”
I watched her disappear down the hallway while my granddaughter slept peacefully in my arms.
You know, on second thought… I probably should’ve read the fine print.
Joe Hobby is a standup comedian, a syndicated columnist, and a long-time writer for Jay Leno. He’s a member of Cullman Electric Cooperative and is very happy now that he can use Sprout from his little place on Smith Lake. Contact him at jhobby2000@aol.com.
