I went to a Christmas party the other day with 50 little old ladies between the age of about 70 and 100. We had some great food, laughter, and fellowship because we were smack dab in the middle of the holiday season.
And then it happened. I had no sooner finished my second helping of a delicious ham and cheese casserole when everyone pulled out a present. I thought, “Oh, no. They’re gonna play Dirty Santa.”
If you’ve never heard of this game before, it’s a blend of gift-giving, greed, and WWE wrestling. Some historians believe it was invented by the Romans to torture their prisoners before they were fed to the lions. And many political experts are convinced that our problems with Democrats and Republicans began with a game of Dirty Santa in Washington D.C.
As I sat and watched the game progress, it would be hard to disagree. I had no idea that such sweet, reserved Sunday School-teaching grandmas could become as ruthless as Navy Seals on a seek and destroy mission. That’s because most of these ladies were brought up on the old Kmart blue light specials. You may recall, once the blue light was cut on, it was retail blood sport – everyone rushed towards that bargain table and fought for whatever was on sale as if they were trying to reach the last lifeboat seat on the Titanic. And years later, all of them have carried that mentality into this holiday game.
If you’re not familiar with the rules, this is how it works: Everyone brings a gift worth a certain dollar value, carefully wrapped. The first person chooses a present. Then the second person chooses another present, and can keep it, or trade it for the first person’s gift. And so it goes until a gift has been traded about three times, or everyone has something they are happy with.
Of course, that never happens because the best present is continuously “stolen” by everyone, and as a result, if you have a lousy gift, you’re probably stuck. And there are always some stinkers. I’ve seen mouse traps, toilet bowl cleaner, even Ex Lax.
From what everyone at my table told me, this holiday season’s edition of Dirty Santa was quite civil compared to previous ones. A few years ago, two people almost came to blows because they both wanted a tree ornament that said, “Peace on Earth.” And today, a battery-operated lamp was quite popular; as a result, it was continuously stolen back and forth for about 30 minutes. I felt the intensity in the room build; it was easy to see how a catfight could erupt. As if there isn’t enough hate in the world, let’s generate more of it by having people take things from one another.
What’s worse, a few of the ladies couldn’t get out of their seats fast enough to trade for a better present, so they were stuck with what they had until somebody who was more mobile came along and traded it away from them.
At least everyone was sober. I’ve heard about parties where Dirty Santa and alcohol is involved. Bad combination. That’s like throwing napalm on a campfire.
Finally, the game ended, and most everyone seemed kind of happy except for the grandma who had the battery-operated lamp taken from her the last time. She was undoubtedly sulking.
It’s been said the purpose of the Dirty Santa game is to build Christmas cheer. That can happen, I suppose, but human nature being what it is, there is always the possibility of pettiness, anger and sophomoric behavior.
Why is there such a ruckus anyway? Most of these folks are at a stage in life where they want to get rid of clutter and, to me, a $10 battery-operated Christmas lamp ain’t nothing but clutter.
But I will admit that it’s going to look really nice on my holiday mantel.
Joe Hobby is a standup comedian, a syndicated columnist, and a long-time writer for Jay Leno. He’s a member of Cullman Electric Cooperative and is very happy now that he can use Sprout from his little place on Smith Lake. Contact him at [email protected].
