I picked up an old rotary lawnmower at a garage sale the other day. Why? Because I don’t have enough junk in my basement to be considered a hoarder – yet. Regardless, the moment I saw it, I flashed back to those sweaty summer days when I was a kid.
Some of you might not be familiar with how this machine operates. The power to propel the mower and cut the grass comes from the arms and legs of the operator. And you didn’t just push the mower and get a row of fresh-cut lawn. No! Instead, you had to quickly thrust the mower back and forth so the rotary blades would spin fast enough to actually mow the grass. In summer, this made for a hot, torturous workout. My father tried to justify making me mow the lawn this way because, according to him, it would help me get in shape for football.
One red-letter day in my young life, Dad brought home a brand-new Sears and Roebuck motorized lawn mower. Now all I had to do was wind and pull the starter cord about 37 times. Eventually, I heard the wonderful roar all of us have heard on summer afternoons. It was a quite a sensation – the motor was powering the blade that cut the grass!
This new technology required a definite learning curve. I quickly discovered that this motorized monster could expel sticks and stones at a high velocity. Certainly fast enough to break a basement window, which I did the first time I used it. The minute it happened, I thought I might be getting into shape for football by running from my dad.
Now, it’s hard to imagine a time when mowers weren’t motorized. Today, people even have riding lawn mowers complete with options like headlights. Huh? Does anyone really say, “Honey, I know it’s 1 a.m., but just can’t get to sleep. I think I’ll go outside and cut the front yard.”
Some riding mowers even have cruise control. Those people must own a big yard to need that kind of thing. It’s hard to believe that cruise control is so common that lawnmowers have it. Cruise used to be an expensive option that wasn’t available to every car. Now it’s standard equipment on almost every one. Apparently, everyone has decided that it’s too much muscle strain on our right foot to continuously push the gas pedal. However, I must admit that I use it when I drive my car, along with the feature that automatically decelerates when you get too close to another automobile. Maybe we should add that feature to a riding lawn mower: Have it slow down so we don’t hit a mailbox or a pine tree. It’s about as silly an idea as cruise control for a lawn mower.
Unlike the old days, lawn care has become big business. Go through any subdivision and you will see a pickup truck pulling a trailer with weed trimmers, leaf blowers, sidewalk edgers, and zero turn mowers. It looks like a new weapon the army is about to unleash in a terrorist war. All to cut grass! Before it became corporate, there was just a kid with a lawn mower who went up and down the street, ringing the doorbell, and asking people if they needed their grass mowed. I doubt he was bonded and insured, but all of us managed. And we didn’t pay him a $100 either. Of course, the kid with the lawn mower didn’t do much driveway edging because his weed eater was a shovel and a hoe. He mowed as close to the mailbox as he could, and if you were lucky, he hacked down some of the tall grass around the post. Instead of Three Men And A Truck, we had One Man And A Shovel.
Since the beginning of time, men have come up with things to make their lives easier. I think that’s great; in fact I would clean the bathroom of the guy who invented air conditioning. And you will never hear me speak a disparaging word about an elevator, escalator, or moving sidewalk. Those inventions helped me make countless close flight connections over the years. But some things people invent I have no use for at all. Headlights or cruise control on a riding lawnmower? Give me a break.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go outside and show my yard guy the manual lawn mower – and pay him, of course. You don’t think I cut my own grass, do you? I don’t need to get in shape for football anymore.
Joe Hobby is a standup comedian, a syndicated columnist, and a long-time writer for Jay Leno. He’s a member of Cullman Electric Cooperative and is very happy now that he can use Sprout from his little place on Smith Lake. Contact him at jhobby2000@aol.com.
